Face your fears, the Batman way.

January 17, 2009 at 2:14 am (Dan) (, , , , )

First off: Happy Birthday, Heather!

Now: an post.

What am I writing here? I don’t even know.

Oh shit, improv.

Ok, so, right now, the things that I am thinking about most are really heartbreakingly nerdy, and not fit for consumption. This is not an instance of geek shame, a thing I do not possess (mostly). This is an instance of not-finished nerding which is best kept for another environment. Maybe I will make another blog where I explain that I am not really a comics person[1] but here is what I like in comics and here are my ideas to keep me interested and actually start getting some money from me. I think I will do that, yes.

So, improv. Once I was in theatresports at uni, you know. Some of the people that I was in theatresports with have gone on to have TV, radio and misc other careers, which, well, that’s pretty good, eh? Some of them have gone to New York to learn to be a nactor, and have fuzzy-haired adventures on the other side of the world. That’s pretty good too.

What I have done, in the creative sphere, since that time is…

Well.

Um.

I guess I did write a novel, once, but it’s not the sort of novel that gets published. I’d like to say it was a merciless parody, but really it was probably closer to a half-arsed pastiche. I don’t know if any of you guys read it. If you did, can you tell me what it was, and if it was any good? I’m not game to read it myself, as bad writing makes me sick (seriously. Bad poetry, ad jingles, etc, give me chills, and make me physically uncomfortable. Bad writing in a book makes me stop reading because otherwise I might die. Different and uncomfortable writing I am ok with. Bad writing no). Please note that this transparent call for reassurance is not really a transparent call for reassurance. Much.

For those who don’t know, and as a kind of toilet-float quality-level indicator, the thing was called Young Cthulhu’s Asian Adventures. It protagonised a guy called Dave.

Dave.

So yeah anyway! I have maybe also written some short stories (hay Percy, I think the one you were talking about that time was about a lady whose husband came in and he’d been infected by the things and she cut off his head and put it in the regrow vat and took his body out to the incinerator and burned it? That’s the closest thing I can think of to what you described. I’ll try to find it later and we’ll see, I guess). By short stories, I mean short short stories. Flash fiction? If you want to be fancy and glorify 1000 words or so as a form.

Actually I kind of like flash fiction. I like the idea of getting a whole world up and about in just those little sets of paragraphs, and still managing to get an entire story out, too. Or enough of one that the imagination of the reader can fill in the blanks. I think that is the most compelling part. If something is realised well enough that there has to be reasons for it, we try to find them. This is accidentally my last post in disguise, shit.

I’d like to see more flash fiction generally. I want rich little nuggets of story gold to be given freely to me, from the internets. Nugget that shit up, yo.

Where can I find these things? Someone must be in charge, here.

Yeah so anyway, the point might be that I am a little irritated at my lack of creative output in the last, uh, 8 years or so. Why is this happen at me? Is it because I am the laziest man on earth? Some kind of anti-Batmanic slob? A man who, because he was never traumatised as a child[3], can never form the diamond-hard drill bit of the soul used by the World’s Greatest Detective to pierce the mind-mazes of Desaad? The drive and determination to delve into one’s psyche, find all the fear and hesitation and EAT IT WITH YOUR FACE?

Yes. That is why.

Also, that is probably why I am semi-obsessed with the Batman right now. That guy, seriously. He’s pretty great. Plus:
Most Excellent Superbat
What’s that, Most Excellent Superbat? The sound of how it is? Damn right.

Weird Batman-and-extended-universe asides, um, aside, I don’t write things and I should. Maybe I will do some of that here.

Later, though, I’m tired.

And lazy. Shit yeah, lazy.

Actually, would it be a violation of charter to post a thing I have already written, here? It seems like it might be (DISCIPLINE!), but who can say? Also I don’t know if I can be bothered.

Something you are probably already aware of about my posts:
I seem to start most paragraphs with some variant of ‘so’, ‘also’, ‘actually’ or ‘I’. This seems like a … limited stylistic palette, even though it’s probably a reasonable reflection of how I actually talk, which is something I take some pride in, for some reason. I like to think I have a consistent voice. This is a lie. I am all over the place, in terms of field, tenor, mode (etc) between various communicative media. I don’t know why I have this thing about being the same everywhere. It’s a waste of time. Old hang-up: begone! Or I’ll EAT YOU WITH MY FACE.

Maybe I could be Batman, after all.

I hear the post is vacant, now.

SPOILER ALERT!

But it’s too late, you’ve seen it now. You might as well go the whole hog, right?
Oh Shit! Batman!
Click it. Go on.

I have invented an emoticon for the occasion: /(p_q)\
(probably I did not invent it, I guess someone else has written it before. but I fucking crafted this thing, man. Crafted. Out of letters and stuff. Like the Batman stories I could have written could have been…)[4]

[1]
Where comics person is defined as someone who has a lifelong investment in an industry they think is shit, now, and wishes that it was like when they were a kid. Also, complains about everything but still buys every issue of, I dunno, Amazing Spider-Man, because he has all the others and he can’t stop now![2]

[2]
Something that only those who look at the code of webpages habitually, or those who read this footnote, will notice, is that I am totally awesome and used the <i> tag for the titles of things in this post, and the <em> tag for things that are me talking like this! This doesn’t matter worth squat, of course, but I believe in the semantic web. And italics for titles, emphasis for emphasis. A screen reader, one day, might care about the difference (a screen reader will never care about the difference). Also, I note that WordPress uses <em> by default for tilty-letters, which is good and interesting. Secret HTML nerd club go!

[3]
Do you know what is totally sweet? What is totally sweet is the idea of normalcy as trauma. I am not special enough to be noticed! Pity me, and all my kind! White man, coming through, check out all my burden. This privilege ain’t easy to carry, folks!

[4]
Shut up, Dan. Don’t be a dick.
Really I am not crying or anything. For reals.

Really.

 

 

 

 

 

The post is over, now, and I’m outside of the footnote zone. I’m not sure what I’m doing here, but we didn’t finish the post! There was no strong conclusion! You may receive a Pass at best for efforts of this nature!

To conclude: send me short short stories, the internets. Do it right now. RIGHT NOW. Or you never know what might happen… next time you meet my FACE{1}!

{1}
hyper-footnote zone, entry number {1}: I like the word FACE and I think it is both hilarious and somewhat disturbing. Also, it works great as a verb, but not in the boring “face the front” kind of way. More “FACE your FEARS! WITH YOUR FACE!” kind of thing. And then there’s a panel in close up, of you, FACE all scrunched and ferocious, the juices of FEARS running between your teeth (in your FACE).{2}

{2}
Do not write posts between 1 and 2am anymore, Dan. No.

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5 Comments

  1. naboolio said,

    Hilarious! Late night posting FTW.

  2. juliadactyl said,

    I particularly liked your use of “nugget that shit up.” Well memed, sir.

  3. danoot said,

    thanks guys! good to know.

    Percy, here is a thing I found on the internet:

    Somewhere in NSW:
    a man stumbles through the door, clutching at his shoulder.

    MARLENE! MARLEEENE!

    A harried looking woman bustles into the room, carrying a large black leather case in her left hand. In her right hand, a bottle full of small round pills.

    Here, take some of these, idiot.

    The man takes the bottle, using his presumably injured arm, flips the lid off, onto the floor, and pours half the pills into his mouth. Crunching and grimacing ensue.

    Thanks, love. I –

    Meanwhile, the woman, Marlene, has placed the leather case on the ground next to the man, and is rummaging through it methodically. She does not react when, several seconds later, the man falls full length onto the floor.

    She locates a pair of latex gloves, and puts them on, snapping the latex around the wrist both times, as if performing for an audience. She extracts from the bag a thin metal wire, which she threads under the prone man’s neck, and closes in a tight loop.

    The man is not breathing much anymore, but his arm is twitching, as are his feet.

    She sucks her breath through her teeth, and at the same time pulls hard on the wire. Choking sounds ensue. For a second or two, anyway.

    The wire is glowing bright red when it finally shears through bone, a sharp hissing sound accompanies its withdrawl from the man’s neck.

    Marlene places the dangling redhot wire absently on the man’s chest, and gently picks up his head. His body is twitching furiously now, but she ignores it.

    In the corner of the room, what looks like a rubbish bin with a lid is revealed as a tank of some bright green fluid, into which the man’s head is carefully placed. The lid replaced, a small timer on the side is set for three months.

    Feet crunching spilt pills as she goes, the woman moves to the overly-mobile corpse. Still wearing latex gloves, she bends down and grasps its feet, hauls it out the door the man entered in by.

    She returns several minutes later, after an interval increasingly concerned with guttural screaming and the sounds of roaring fire, without gloves.

    Picking up the uncrushed pills is a tedious task, but one she completes with a sense of obvious routine.

  4. andrewcrisp said,

    That’s the one. I love it, thank you!!

  5. misterfinn said,

    It’s about goddamn time Batman died! Man’s in his 60s and takes on aliens and gods for a living! It can’t be good for your health!

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